my 5minutes of emotional rant

 my aunt sedara post this pic on facebook
and im not sure if it was the fact he looked so grown up
or the song "perpisahan" by annuar zain was on repeat.

 all of a sudden it dawned on me
of all the love ive ever known,
and have right now,
will this kind, mother-son
be there forever?

will i still get that fullyLove my mama look everytime i request for a hug
for squeeze real tight moment?

will i be strong and steady the day he tells me his heart is taken,
then requests consent from me?

will he look for my tight squeeze the first time his hearts get broken?
will i still be around?



haih.


better stop this depressing  music

lalalalalala





 

diet ke? takla, deteriorating

Last friday for the month of july 2015.

And so malaysia cabinet went thru some shuffling. and that is all i would say, im no political expert. i do vote, so let my vote speak as loud as possible.

its hard to try find positivity in difficult times. but it has always been that way. Just the other day i re-tweeted "it doesnt get easier, i get stronger"..deep.

for abah's condition, open heart by-pass procedure is out of the question. too blocked plus the stem needed is on the leg that needs some healing from the amputation.

so we met the pakar on doing the balloon plak. (besides not being politically expert, im not dr either). procedure to put a balloon thingi to open up his veins, alternative from by pass. 

its balloon-able with these factors to consider, heart function is at 26%, 1% chance of death during procedure as the drilling in the veins  might burst out, or heart failure and almost sure dialysis for the kidney as now the keratin level is high.

phew. holding back my tears.

the positive note here is, there is a last option. fully dependent on meds. no procedure . no balloon, bypass whtsoever, just on meds. the dr even said he's got patient that last up to 20 years just on that. 

and so we are at the crossroad. Dr gave a month for family and abah to discuss what to do. my vote is fully dependant on ubat. i can tell from abah's immediate reaction, he feels the same way.

as for me, positivity out of diabetes. i lost a lot of weight. 

should anyone ask, diet ke? im so close to saying "takla, diebetic"  

*audience laugh

laughing is also positive k. chill

turn of events

7th July 2015

ok so ive thought it has died.
but i still need a venting out port
(besides the twitter and the insta and the facebook).

so here i am.

back.
blogging (i guess)

the past year since i last blogged was filled with anxiety and excitement to finally get our own place we call home,
the anxiety and excitement of ashraff attending real school, like real getting on the bus with exams and stuff,
oh not forgetting the 20days off from work i took as sal had to head back to cater her sick mum.
it was simply a blast.

blast blast jugak, but lately been keeping it together.

abah is not well, and to be honest, so am i.
having diebetes since i was 18, im kinda feeling the deteriorating of my health lately.
im not saying this to expect pity (from u, whoever you are reading this),
but more of an acknowledgement to  the fact that i am sick.

im still travelling, syukur alhamdulilah. i returned to NY and its the same feeling i had when i first was there. Heavily in love with the city.

back to my health condition. my left eye has had a blind spot and its scaring the shit out of me.
been taking back my glucophage with 500mg dosage, and the spot is slowly turning to a blurrred vision, which means i hv better control of my sugar.

it wasnt easy, had to cut on all sorts of my sugary favorites,  including starbucks
haih. and coffee mainly.
and had to add oats and fiber in my diet.
ah well, this is my turn of events.

can i tell myself, welcome back?